Four Principles to Theft

My stay in India has provided me with one very valuable thing in a surplus amount, and whether it has been for better or worse remains to be decided by the consequences derived from splurging on my wealth. So what are these riches I boast of? Time time time time time! The one thing you wished you could have more of is the one thing I can only pray of getting rid of. The reason as to how I made this daunting fortune is due to the presence of language barriers that have created relationship barriers, and relationship barriers that created social barriers; and ultimately those social barriers created an ample amount of monotonous time. I won't even get started into the role that stereotypes play in Indian culture. Though it is not the topic of discussion here, let me just say now, being American had no glimmering effect to the eyes of an Indian, other than that i would be obliged to pay for every meal if a conversation ever got far enough to entreat for one. This might as well be the summary of my stay in Mumbai for the most part. Anyways, why I even brought it up in the first place was only to impress upon you that I have had a lot of time to do just about anything I want, and I have endeavored fastidiously to take advantage of such an opportunity by engaging myself in music composing, writing, studying, learning the tabla (Indian drums), handing money to the poor in vast amounts (as that is an occupation in itself), learning Indian cuisine, reading way too much (e.g. the month of July =14 books), and playing chess every night with random elderly people that crawl along the cracked paths of Shivaji Park.

If you were to consider all the various ways by which I have been able to entertain and maintain a stable brain (to some extent) from the list of vocations above, you would probably believe that with the amount of time I claim to be in possession of, I would have and should have become supremely efficient and skillful in just about every aspect of all of these crafts, but I have yet to be critiqued and know my standings as of yet. Regardless, it was in performing one of these methods of 'time pass' as it is known in India that I believe I not only became well practiced in the skills necessary to reap the highest amount of rewards while actively engaged in it, but I have also developed a completely new and quite 'handy' skill. The distinct assassin of time I speak of is the noble activity of reading. And it was by deep engagement in reading that I had inadvertently developed a brand new skill. See kids? Reading is good!

Well generally speaking, yes, reading is great, not just good. But if you are a responsible and respectable citizen of modern society, you may be confused by the new found connotation about the important benefits of reading that I imply when I tell you that what I joyfully learned, and in all manners of honesty, greedily earned from reading was not the typical habit or positive productive improvement to the individual that an elementary school teacher might try to galvanize in their young students for the benefit of all. What I learned indirectly from my intensive reading regiment was how to steal more books for further reading. And it was through the principles that I am to speak of now that I have been guided towards success in just about every attempt so far.

Whatever reason you have accepted as justification for your decision to steal does not appeal to my concern at all, and to clarify why I ever had taken up this detestable profession was due to the fact that the money required to purchase these precious items had been dispersed amongst the poor, leaving me fairly equal to them in terms of fiscal worth. It does not justify the act, nor do I claim it to. I only lay these principles down for the hope that it adds a bit of class to an otherwise classless vocation; and also out of boredom. The credibility required of me for you to trust in the value of these principles is only provable by the amount of needless words I have injected into this log, so if you're are feeling a bit skeptical, so be it. Only through experimentation will one be able to truly appreciate what I have personally experienced. Therefore without further hindrance by syntax, let me begin by finally laying down the four fundamental principles to reaping the greatest rewards out of any attempt of the theft of any item:

1. The value of the stolen item is not derived from its actual market price, but from the technical difficulty of the swindle and the amount of risk involved. 

Technical Difficulty

  With this principle clear in your mind, you are now potentially capable of committing grand larceny by simply stealing a lighter from under the eyes of a cashier and his technological assistant, the camera. And don't be embarrassed by the fact that it is only a little red fire starter that 50 cents could have gotten you for 99% less the amount of stress. Failure would've resulted in that 50 cent lighter being multiplied 16 times the amount, plus a criminal record and a ban from the molested store. Let's not even ponder about the disgraceful infamy and parasitic regret you would suffer internally. But  in the event of success, well, you just picked yourself up a free lighter and defeated totalitarianism and consumerism in one strike! Time to smoke up!

2. More of your attention can be allocated to the target when little attention is placed on you. 

Simply put, avoid attention from anyone. Clandestine operation is the principle craft required of any thief. Use whatever strategic ruse that is correspondingly applicable to the scenario in order to diverge any attention whatsoever that could be placed directly on you. That also means, by every means, do not stand out. Wear, do, and say nothing that expresses your individuality as you are and must remain one of the million, not one in a million.

Only two eyes should be on you

Even your chosen method of distraction must not put you at the forefront of observation, such as purposely tripping over a magazine stall so that everything including you falls to the floor where you immediately take the ungracious opportunity to place the paper in any inconspicuous place on you. People will see you and laugh at you, not at the fallen rack. You entered without being suspect; therefore exit without being suspect.

3. The less the amount of resources consumed during the process of theft, the more resources available to be dispersed in revelry and celebrations afterward.


Do not look upon this lightly! To meet the requirements that this principle suggests takes much practice. "Time is money" as they say, and so should you, a thief, believe. Reflection on success is just as important as the success itself, otherwise success is reduced to another common occasion of life, and that is definitely not the case for the most part as success is usually intermittent and insochronous to the collective amount of failures or overall work required to achieve it; therefore, use the least amount of effort in order to supplement the reward and make it that much more lustrous. Try not to waste time on hesitation, suspense, or drama.

Eat less now, more to eat later. Get it?

It's simply unnecessary, as once the item is in your pocket you've already taken the obligation upon yourself to go henceforth into the darkness. Enjoy yourself if you must though. Especially try not spend in order to steal, its practically hypocritical. Trust me, I have witnessed people buy a coffee in order to steal a chocolate bar from the same counter they ordered from. As so rightly proclaimed by Captain Jack Sparrow and Mr.Gibbs, 'Take what you can; Give nothing back!" This I'm sure needs no more explanation. Remember never to allow avarice to become a natural characteristic of your hands unless you can properly recompense the blood that flows at the tips of those sticky fingers; the source of the greed. If you need an example, just think as to why rum has always been associated to the saturnalia of pirates. I'm not suggesting it is necessary to drink after success, only that the affirmation of success is appreciated by both the psyche as well as the soma. So how you choose to commemorate through rebellious carousal or innocent carnival is a choice that suits your personal values.

4. Always show courtesy and humility, please.

Now these are more of general first-class traits that we should all show at all times regardless of vocation, but I believe that it was thrice as much required by the men and women of a not so acceptable line of trade in order to compensate for the common agreement over its odiousness. It may sound hypocritical, but gentility, especially when genuine, is always appreciated, unless enacted on a cynic.

You can still have class even though you perform horrible acts.

So never doubt and never forget the importance of kindness and its relevance to times before, during, and after the act theft. If it seems negligible at first, just think of being active in Gentility as a precursor to a better outcome under any circumstance, and I will guarantee this with the prospect of my doors being unlocked for a full, alarmless week if it proves contrary. In terms of how it benefits a thief, think 'Stockholm Syndrome', without the hostage aspect of course (unless that's how you work, then the importance of this principle is multiplied tenfold).

Now it is imperative on my part to cement in your mind that there are no favorable odds when it comes to success and failure. It is a matter of either yes you accomplished the task or no you did not. Always ruminate on the risks beforehand. Here in India I have had much success as this is a place where the price of lost and missing items are a preferable sacrifice as to that of the cost of security cameras and enclosed spaces and the constant maintenance and cost of preservation of both. Though I have through experience had success in a few bookstores in the States, there is a much higher risk involved and it is impossible to use the excuse of stupidity as a defense, as is possible here, and to get away with the title confirmed with a slap on the cheek in the street rather than tattooed on your forehead in prison (depending on just how much you had tried to get away with).Quite literally in India, as I have been a first hand participant and know, one must drag the transgressor to the local police officer, wherever the drat may be, who rarely does anything at all even when the convict is placed before him. Insults and taunts are usually the only fine. This is typically not the case in western nations, so be aware. Good luck to those with bad hands!